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Giving Cause to the Pause.

Allowing that voice deep in your soul to say a little louder – be unproductive.

Over the last two months, I have felt less pull to engage with what I have been learning over the last twelve months. There is honestly so much I want to share about what I have learned, yet with everything that has happened in the divine scheme of things, I haven’t had much of the capacity to do so.

So here I am, 2 months in to feeling unproductive. However, my soul knows this to not be the truth of it.

This last little while has been exactly what my soul needed, time to pause. Time to integrate and time to surrender to everything that just is. An opportunity to strengthen my will for everything that I want to create.

It has been the moment I have been craving for years. Immense change with the tools learned and the chance to build something life-long. My head knows that this process will be slow (and not always being the patient type knowing this is hard) and my heart knows that the journey will be worth it.

When I kind of reflect on the years of ill health and immense fatigue and pushing through it – a version of myself has been pushing for this surrender moment for a long time. I recognise now that it has been my ego that never really want to let me have the occasion to surrender. Because letting go, surrendering, being ‘unproductive’ can be scary.

It is the egotistical moments of ourselves that hold us back from the chance to explore unhindered thoughts, experiencing and feeling through discomforts and resisting the thoughts that we are not in control of what happens, because if we allow ourselves to be in control of every part of our lives, we can prepare for an outcome. And that’s controlling our fears.

I have come to experience over and over again that this train of thought is cyclical, and there is minimal growth – if even any at all, and the only real way to adjust the cycle is to spiral out of it. Start asking harder and discomforting questions.

It’s in the phase of my life, I feel like that asking this type of questions is a lot harder. There is this created pressure that I owe everyone else around me an explanation before I even provide myself one. And in this pause, this surrender to allowing myself to take a breath. I exhale and believe that the only person I truly am responsible to is myself.

It is my greatest desire in this lifetime to experience. Experience growth – and I have had my fair share of ammo thrown at me to create that growth. However, I have let me ego and fear overwhelm me that I did just keep going around in circles and kept throwing my hands up in the air asking the universe why things weren’t changing.

Mainly because I was scared to create the change myself. I was afraid that I didn’t know how.

And now, I feel like the truth of that is that we don’t need to know. Not really ever.

In this pause of being unproductive, I have been able to close off a chapter that I held open way too long. It has been a process of saying goodbye to a version of myself that lived in constant flight and fawn. Consistently questioning my own voice because it disagreed with those I care about.

The child in me wishes I took the time to listen to what I was trying to say for all those years lost. What the inner voice was trying to share. Instead, I allowed myself to get lost, caught up in a competition of noise, ego and the taking of others light because my own was dim.

In saying all of that, it is through living that part of my life, that I can acknowledge those lessons for the value that add to my life now. The value they add to my whole persona and this next version of myself.

I truly believe we are never going to be the same person throughout our lifetimes. How could anyone expect us to be?

There are just too many variables in which can affect the way we see and interact with the environment around us. This is partially the reason why I believe in the ideals of starseeds and soul contracts. There are many different explanations for what a starseed is – and in my mind, it is the grouping of souls or seeds that continually exist in the same plane at the same period in time. It is these souls and starseeds that create contracts with us before we even birth, agreeing on what we are to learn as individuals in this next evolutionary cycle to assist in our understanding and growth.

In some circumstances – we may learn nothing at all.

I believe I could confidently say that the core of who I am hasn’t changed. The flame may have flickered in different directions with altering intensity, yet that kindred souls

I have had the pleasure of meeting in this lifetime have recognised it. Acknowledging that the light they see in themselves, they see in me and vice versa.

Peeling back this version of myself, this old mask is entirely liberating from a heart opening perspective. It feels like my vision is clearer, but not my physical sight, my ethereal sight and that of the heart – voice connection.

In this time of feeling like I have been doing absolutely nothing, I have been healing. Learning the basics of how to breathe again, to be in my body and to learn how to listen to the wisdom it is trying to share.

To pay homage to the sacred vessel I have the privilege of occupying.

I am slowly allowing my ego to dissipate and be confident in the fact that my heart and voice are my own and should not be moderated for the sake of pleasing another. Because in that scenario I would be then sharing a false version of myself – and my ego desires to be accepted for everything I wholeheartedly am. And my soul desires it too.

These last weeks have given me chance to step away from a version of myself that was hindering growth, to start afresh in a new environment with a new perspective and knowledge of my heart. With a maturity and wisdom that was not available to the previous version of me.

I am wholeheartedly thankful for all the good, bad, and ugly that has occurred in my life, and I know that the deep dives to dark uncomfortable places have provided leaps and closure that was not available to my ancestors. The mystical knowledge, the sacred feminine mysteries had been lost and overlooked in the years past and with the shifts of energy that have occurred over recent years have provided the catalyst to really bring forth activated healing for all.

I know this with the new people I connect with in my life. It feels like this immense homecoming and belonging. That in this circle, our hearts are held, and we are safe.

So, with this unproductive yet very productive pause what has it allowed me to learn?

It has confirmed for me the behaviours and environments I do not wish to engage in, as much as I can acknowledge that we all at some stage in our existence travel through toxic and negative behaviours, it is no longer in my capacity to try hold my ground in this space. I much prefer to see it for what it is, offer my love and move on.

Hustle culture and in-authenticity do not resonate – and I suppose never really have. And hence has stemmed my love/hate relationship with social media platforms. I struggle with giving it too much power over my life when truthfully my soul thrives on face-to-face interactions. And this is the space I really wish to grow.

I dream of creating community driven conversations that are aligned with spiritual health. Of being in balance and alignment with your heart, body, and soul. Of being supported by purpose that is full of truth and authenticity, dreams and love.

I want to be able to bring innocence back to this forthcoming generation.

I see it within my own children the potential they have to be change makers, the bearers of ancestral knowledge, yet I can see the challenge nurturing that with not only my own heart but that also of the community they are engaged in.

So, in this pause, I am laying out my heart and surrendering to the will of what this universe has planned for me. Allowing myself to be caught in the whimsy, or what some may call fanciful, unrealistic dreams.

It is to the latter that I hope to crack open a little, to allow them to share and bask in the light of what we can offer ourselves when we are truly in balance with our whole. It is our birthright to dream – and when we surrender ourselves to that thought, we can truly create magic.

I know in my own heart that when I have thrown caution to the wind and let my heart soar towards my dreams, I have manifested the opportunities to get closer to my dreams. And equally, questioned my worth on receiving such gifts – because I let my voice be drowned out with the noise of the world around me.

Growth can be hard to accept. Unfortunately, I feel like we are unconsciously conditioned to believe that unless it is hard to achieve, it is not real, and we are not worthy of the success. In light of that, in my own reflections, I have also experienced the alter to that circumstance. When I am in flow, growth is easy, and it is easier to acknowledge and accept the manifestation of opportunities that can come with it.

It is easy to believe that we are living dull, boring, and unimportant lives. And I would say to you, what ever caused you to see the world that way? And you could certainly provide enough answers to fill one hand in under thirty seconds. Yet when have you allowed yourself to consider all the wonderful, exciting and grateful moments in your life? Could you find enough answers to raise all fingers in the same amount of time?

Unless you are allowing your heart to see this way regularly, to be able to pause and reflect on the gratitude of each lived moment, we can be led to believe anything. Because we don’t know how to see or listen to the magic. The magic of our intuition, the connection and influence our actions to the environment.

I think it has been well over 10 years since I have allowed myself any opportunity to consciously pause and reflect back on everything that was and everything that can be.

Partially due to not having the support and tools I have now to process such thought and I truly do wish that what I know now, was available to me in some shape or form to me when I was younger. Alas, the logical part of my mind in that thought, says I would not have had the growth I have experience without that lack and hardship. Which is well truth, and this journey is not a race. I am not competing against anyone, and it doesn’t matter if I had these thoughts 5 years ago, 10 years ago or even 15 years. It is unlikely that I would be ‘ahead of the game’, I would simply be in a different place, and likely one that would look different to where I am now.

This is my plea, and my heartfelt share to you, it is okay to be unproductive, to not feel where you should be. This is YOUR journey; your experience and it is completely in your hands.

What you see is the interpretation of your perception and lived experience, and on occasion the influence of those most impactful souls in your life – which could be there to guide you, disrupt you, love you or emotionally destroy you. How you see it and that gratitude to which you feel for the experience is what is truly going to provide you the growth your soul craves. No matter how scary, devasting or joyful it is, it will always be worth in.

This post, this message, is as much for me as it is for you who is reading it now.

As you have been reading this, please share any insights that may have come forth and if you wish to connect further, reach out for a complimentary 1:1 connection chat.

As always, much love,

Sharai xx

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