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Finding self through fear, stress, and anxiety.

It’s crazy where the depths of stress can take you. And it’s hard to see through the murkiness to find the right place to surface. More often than not we resist what our hearts and souls are trying to tell us, and we end up slowly working our way deeper into confusion, stress and anxiety. When we continually give into these feelings, our bodies redirect the healing to try and find balance and we start to dysfunction. This isn’t always a bad thing. If we are aware that this is happening, that our body responds in this manner, this is the opportunity for us to listen. It is a test to our resolve to how much will we punish ourselves until we finally realise, we are denying our truest being.

I know this, I’ve experienced this. I believe at some point through our lives, we all do. But I firmly believe it comes down to how we deal with it. How we allow the experience to change us, and how we allow the experience to assist us to grow.

Not long after making my big move halfway across the country, I know my stress and anxiety was through the roof. I had done something that I needed to do but wasn’t entirely emotionally equipped to do. I recall so many nights thinking to myself, “have I made a mistake?” but the stubbornness in me wouldn’t allow that thought to hang around for too long. The events that led to where I am, aligned by the divine will. I couldn’t deny the opportunities that it laid forth for me.

Through those first couple of years, navigating the ever-changing social climate was tough. I was trying to re-find myself and my identity, trying to connect with new people but I found myself losing the friendships within in the year. Not through disagreements, falling outs or distance, it was more of a timing thing. The friendships I was founding were within the transient population. On many occasions I worried if I would ever find “my people”, you know, your tribe.

Looking back through this period, I can now objectively say it was the learning curve my soul required. It pushed me outside my comfort zone to connect with others I wouldn’t have normally connected with. I experienced friendships and relationships I never would have thought to find myself in. Some which really tested my emotionally resolve. I know there were moments where I questioned myself, and that deep fear, the anxiety and lack of self-esteem would kick in.

But through all of it, it showed me a way to find my authentic, unapologetic self.

When I started to really throw caution to the wind and followed my intuition, life seemed to flow. The puzzle pieces started to find themselves and fall into place. I started to find my tribe. The people who really started to make heartfelt impact on my soul.

It was through these people, I felt held. Albeit, it’s taken some time to feel completely comfortable in that thought. As with most social conditioning, I felt such anxiety about being with these people, that my person, my wear-the-heart-on-my-sleeve self was being judged.

Until I finally realised, it doesn’t matter.

As long as I show up for the friendship in the best way I know how.

I find the more I step closer to finding a deeper sense of self, a clear distinction seems to happen to the circles around me. The people who resonate, get closer. Those that seem to carry more of a negative “vibe” or simply don’t gel, slowly distance themselves. It's a constant merry-go-round with anxiety. We crave and feel loss when the friendships and relationships we thought we’re never going to end, drift away. We start to run un-necessary scenarios through our heads like “did I say something wrong?” “Am I enough?”. Of course, it’s none of these things yet all these things. Simply put, we are enough. We always have been and will be if we are true to ourselves.

When we start to complicate the scenario by giving in to our fears and anxieties of “not being enough” we distort our good vibrations. Those that feel the disconnect from you, those that are already on the path of drifting away will interpret these feelings, and eventually use them as cause to drift further. It’s like flipping a magnet and creating polarisation.

The same energies attract.

If we can believe in ourselves long enough to disregard the fears, stress, and anxieties that we conjure up, we step into our own sense of self. We feel this deep knowing power. Unfortunately, our social conditioning has allowed us to question the good vibes. It has encouraged us to feel anxious about even having the slightest contentment within ourselves.

It takes baby steps to work our way through our emotional scale.

As we work our way higher, raising our energies we start to attract the like energies into our fields. Our relationship and friendship scopes, we begin to feel connected. We find ourselves in a state where the lower emotions no longer have a hold on us. We can see them, feel them, but it’s short term. We are finally capable of acknowledging them, honouring the feeling, and then confidently gathering the strength to move on.

In my experience, I believe that we don’t truly recognise ourselves until we experience the falsehoods. The struggle of denial and anxieties that our life experiences allow to see, representation of the things we don’t want to have a place within our being. These are the realities that our deepest soul is trying to tell us is a hard no.

To experience anxieties is our bodily existence trying to communicate to the rest of the whole, that what we are participating in, isn’t for us. Yes, we may be scared of a potential outcome, but if we can recognise what our response is trying to tell us, then we may be able to identify the feeling objectively. Seeing it as the opportunity, to go deeper, see ourselves and the direction the divine forces are trying to lead us.

Throughout my journey so far, my best “ah-ha” moments have come after the deep dip into my fears and stresses of that current reality experience. Whilst feeling so stressed out my brain and bodily sick with fears and anxieties, when I’ve finally sat with the feeling and opened my heart to listen, I feel that instant sense of calm and a direction to move forward.

Even after weeks, I can objectively look back on that time and see the clear (or the constantly denied, lol) messages that the universe was trying to send me.

It's a such a relief, finding that awareness, the puzzle pieces falling into place, however you wish to describe it. That through having this knowledge gained, that it’s a step closer to finding and opening up to our truest and deepest selves.

So, my question to you my dear reader is, what have you discovered through your fears, stress, and anxieties?

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