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Embracing A Catalyst

Originally written 25th SEPT 2023

A lot can be said about the occurrences of the world the last few months and the placement of my existence amongst it. But how to express it into meaningful words of some type of inspiration has escaped me. Instead, I have chosen to fully commit to the experience, limiting the amount of social influence during this cycle of time. Now, I’m not going to boast all about how much growth and blah blah that’s happened but instead offer the insights of the outcomes that have settled upon me.

My PERCEPTION of the world around me and I interact with has shifted.

Not just physically, but emotionally and energetically.

I have found it challenging to maintain relations (no matter how fleeting the engagement) that feel inauthentic and that feel energetically forced.

I have been a lot more selective in the environments that I offer my energy to and mindful about how much of myself I give to draining atmospheres and people.

This has led me to redefine my BOUNDARIES.

I have always known that establishing boundaries to be important, for sanity of your soul.

What I didn’t realise was how much I had let my own lapse.

I had knocked down my own protective energy barriers to redistribute my energy to fawning for attention and acceptance from strangers and friends alike.

I have been giving much of myself away to the detriment to myself and the relationships I have been trying to maintain.

By re-establishing my own boundaries, I am ensuring my own cup is full, so what I do offer is done so from a respectful and plentiful state.

HONOURING the ebbs and flows on my inner seasons.

Through our atmospheric autumn and winter, I have found myself energetically doing less.

As I have been finding the RESPECT for my own boundaries, it has deepened my cause to pause.

My over stimulated and dysfunctional nervous system has been running on fumes and led to the woeful state of my health and integration of life around me.

As life naturally slows down during this time, I embraced it as an opportunity to attempt to rest. The list six months have not so much been about resting, but about reconditioning my mind to let go of the rein of control to force outcomes and instead to surrender to what is and enjoy the ride.

As my nervous system clams and begins to find re-alignment, I have struggled to embrace the impending wave of fatigue. There has been a dam built within and building up of chemicals and hormones that my body has been holding on to until there was a safe time to release and process.

And this hasn’t been months of holding on, this has been 10-20 years’ worth of stored emotions and seasons functioning in survival mode.

To add to this release and surrendering, my system and wellbeing has been tested and pushed beyond what I imagined my limits to be.

I firsthand witnessed and unexpected loss of someone dear and close to our family and in the moment my body wouldn’t allow me to be present with the shock of it, instead the powerful nature of a maternal protector rose to the occasion.

My grief came last behind those who needed my care and in that automatic response, unresolved emotional trauma came to say hello.

In a whirlwind of emotions and experiencing a shifted version of my reality, the bigger picture of purpose has begun to slowly settle upon me.

As I have found a deep strength and resonance to the external mother figure, I have slowly begun to clear the foggy vision of the connection to my sense of self. To truly embrace the mother wound I carry and pour my love into it.

In honouring the motions of this discovery there is a calm and a respect for the discord and conflict over energy as the vibrations begin to find their rhythm.

It is like harmonically tuning a guitar.

You play the same note on different strings, when it is out of tune you can hear the wavelengths of sound are out of sync with each other. Their patterns vibrate fast, yet when they get closer and more in tune, that wavelength, the peaks and troughs lengthen out and become a closer match.

It is this thought and knowledge that reminds me that vibration and the energy behind that is everything.

It is at the core of who are and how we show up in the world.

Our energy and our connection with that energy is the vibrational insight we require to guide us in the existence.

In taking this time to pause and enjoy the SERENITY in the rediscovering my sense of self, it has provided opportunity to reflect on how I am choosing to show up in all areas of my life, and to see the gaps on which I am creating from avoiding circumstances and the change to close chapters and cycles.

I am well aware that my part to play may seem small but the flow on effect of my interaction can be of monumental influence – which cycles back to my perception of my world around me. It is being fully aware that if I show up with a low vibrational energy, that energy is going to seek me out and the circumstances and environment around me will match that energy.

It will also have a flow on influence to my physical body. My patience and resilience for obstacles slips, my digestion begins to struggle, and general dis-ease begins to take over.

I have also come to be more aware that my words have power.

Not only the tone and intent behind it, or the honesty that drives it, but also the words I speak to myself, my inner dialogue and the words I say aloud.

I never truly acknowledged how much negative self-talk and even the negative self-talk of those around me has impacted the integrity in which I see myself.

The influence of generational lack has been strong in my upbringing, and it has been integral in shaping my character of who I am.

As much as I believe in soul contracts, our souls instinctively know the path of experience to travel for its own enrichment and for the collective influence of the souls that cross our own paths.

I am thankful, no matter how emotionally trying this past season has been, for without the storms and surges, we cannon reshape our landscapes to shift our direction to experience growth. If we expect everything to stay the same, how are we to accept change when it does eventuate?

Even if we hope for it be sunshine all year around, there is intelligence and wisdom to be found in the rainy days, and as the rain evaporates, a healing environment begins.

This is the stage or season I am at in this cycle – the healing, and not to be caught up in either. Which seems to happen in the community of expanding consciousness.

I am not here for the purpose of healing ancestral wounds or to experience boundless growth but to be a part of the journey for the love, joy and humility of having the opportunity to be a creator in my own right. I wish to share all that I have learnt and experienced, all that I have loved and disliked and to share one of many perceptions available to us.

In my time in this pause, I have come to realise I feel uncomfortable in the telling (as ironic as that may seem to some who have had the pleasurable conversations of my persistent bossiness).

Even growing up, I never reacted well to authority and being shepherded to a particular way of being or narrative – yet that same doctrine I rebelled, I translated and replayed to the environment around me without consciously being aware of what I was doing.

And as what goes with time passing, comes the knowledge of your experience. I inadvertently created / manifested the scenarios that provided me with this life’s greatest lessons.

This is in part why I fee less attracted to environments where forced ways of being are pushed as truth, and authentic is a momentary trend.

Having ACCEPTANCE of my own self has come hard, and in a current modernised world where the encouragement to be on trend to be successful is rife, it has been challenging to resist giving into that energy.

I have felt deep loss in losing connections, ones that I believe would make it through the test of time, but now realise where reliant on a foundation that was superficial and built upon constructs that allowed minimal growth.

It has however brought about deeper, heartfelt, honest, and authentic connections and set a tone that, past and future connections will be built upon this love.

I desire to be an honest champion for the love of what we chose to create.

To allow our hearts the opportunity to find balance and alignment within our souls’ purpose and to openly share it with those around us. To be confident in the knowledge that influence, and gratification does not always appear in the moment, but can also gain strength in the time that passes.

As I have refrained my interaction with our modern technologies, I also recognise the platform it can offer as an opening to conversations and sharing a voice with those who are also passing through their differing seasons.

I promise to always be consistent with my inconsistencies – that is my Gemini nature, the wanderer of conversation and consciousness. The translator or divine wisdom shared through the lived experience of the triple goddess; the maiden, the mother and eventually the crone.

I still wholeheartedly believe that everything that we experience in this lifetime, happens for a reason. It is our own strength and intuitive wisdom that chooses how we utilise the opportunity presented to us. And all of that depends on how we hold the love we have in our own hearts.

Until the next share,

Peace, love, truth + spirit.

Sharai x

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